I like to call what my son is going through, the "Ferocious 4's" because I'm highly hopeful that it's just a phase much similar to the "Terrible 2's" that he skipped. Like many kids, he enjoys whining in refusal to the things I ask him to do, and of course back-talk was introduced during the school year as well. My son is not only very smart, but he's also highly skilled in dramatizations. I just don't understand how the life of a 4 year old can be so hard. I've also tried many different ways of offering rewards and it only seems to work temporarily. I've recently re-designed our RESPONSIBILITY CHART to hopefully offer some incentive to complete tasks. Threatening and yelling is a method I MUST put behind me. I've learned that the yelling really does NOT work, he guards himself in defense and my firm and directness doesn't get through to him while yelling. I send him to bed out of anger and frustration while he's crying, and neither of us end our day well. Then I'm only left with the guilt and saddness from yelling and still nothing was accomplished. Instead, I'm trying a few new methods listed below, that will hopefully work to get him to complete his few responsibilities, listening, and improving our overall mother and son relationship.
1.) PICK YOUR BATTLES
This is one of those things that is often questionable to some parents. As the queens of the castle we often want to rule EVERYTHING, make it known who's "in charge", and make all the decisions ourselves. Remember when they were babies and you made all the decisions about their daily lives and what they wear? Well, by this time they've grown accustomed to their independence and are developing their own personalities. Some of these non-worthy battles include things like eating all their food, wearing rain boots with their shorts, wearing a batman mask to dinner, bringing his favorite toy in the car, etc. Figuring out that these things just aren't worth the battle will only make your life easier, and less stressful at the end of the day.
2.) BE CALM!
We all lose our tempers and get frustrated but during these battles it's important to remain calm! Children know how to push our buttons, and once they've figured out how, they will keep doing it... often times regardless of the consequences unfortunately. So it's important to keep our "Poker Face" on, take deep breaths when you start to reach a level of frustration, and speak only showing directness and without any emotion. It even helps to walk out of the room, take a few deep breaths, gather your thoughts and return back with your instructions.
3.) "BECAUSE I SAID SO!"
If you have school-age children and older, how many times have you said this? Too many right? This simply does NOT work. Why? Because it's not an answer at all! Children are learning on a daily basis whether at home or at school and they question EVERYTHING! This simply isn't a reasonable answer for them. When giving them your firm instructions, explain to them the consequences if they refuse to obey. More than likely, they will understand that you mean business and will obey. They need to understand "cause and effect" and over time will eventually learn that the choices they make have consequences. Kids are smarter than we think, and even smarter than we often times want them to be. Give them the benefit of the doubt, don't belittle them, and TALK to them
by explaining your reasons for disciplining them and why their actions resulted in those consequences. Another thing to remember is, don't leave the talking only for when they are in trouble, talk to your kids, and talk to them often.
4.) DESCISIONS, DESCISIONS...
Give your kids options. Yes, that is what I said... As I mentioned above, make them aware of the consequences. Unless it's something that requires immediate attention, or for safety reasons, let them decide what they're going to do and be fully prepared to follow through with the consequences. The more we push and force our kids into doing something, the more they are going to refuse. This is just the general nature of ALL kids. So if you continue to push to pick up their toys, most likely they aren't going to. Giving them options is not a bargaining method, it is a way for them to learn to make decisions but also be ready to face the consequences for the poor choices they make. This also helps them understand and respect you as a parent and as an authority. Of course, there are some things that require immediate action and hopefully your direct, firm voice expresses that. Counting always seems to work for me too. As soon as I start 1..2... my son can usually tell I mean business.
by explaining your reasons for disciplining them and why their actions resulted in those consequences. Another thing to remember is, don't leave the talking only for when they are in trouble, talk to your kids, and talk to them often.
4.) DESCISIONS, DESCISIONS...
Give your kids options. Yes, that is what I said... As I mentioned above, make them aware of the consequences. Unless it's something that requires immediate attention, or for safety reasons, let them decide what they're going to do and be fully prepared to follow through with the consequences. The more we push and force our kids into doing something, the more they are going to refuse. This is just the general nature of ALL kids. So if you continue to push to pick up their toys, most likely they aren't going to. Giving them options is not a bargaining method, it is a way for them to learn to make decisions but also be ready to face the consequences for the poor choices they make. This also helps them understand and respect you as a parent and as an authority. Of course, there are some things that require immediate action and hopefully your direct, firm voice expresses that. Counting always seems to work for me too. As soon as I start 1..2... my son can usually tell I mean business.
5.) PRAISE AND REWARD
So I mentioned earlier that I revamped our responsibility chart, and while it still is a work in progress I have faith that it will help. My son is at that age where he likes to make his own decisions, and cares about the little treats such as going to get frozen yogurt, or picking out a pack of temporary tattoos at the store. Our chart consists of a list of the few things I'd like for him to complete every day. (keep this list small, you don't want to pile on the list of chores just yet) When he completes a task 7 days in a row, then he shall receive a small treat depending on the task itself. If he picked up his toys everyday without whining then that receives a smaller treat vs him putting in some extra effort to work in his pre-school workbook and practicing his reading without refusing. Trial and error is the key for this to work, find the rewards that work best for you and stick to small treats, and an occasional larger treat for extended periods of good behavior. Another thing I like to avoid as treats are toys, there's nothing wrong with toys but they don't "NEED" toys all the time, even with good behavior. Consider a new book to read, coloring book, or other art supplies. And don't forget to praise them when they are doing a good job! :)
These are some of the methods that I am going to focus more on when disciplining my son. Even in the short period of time, things are starting to work well. I hope you find these tips helpful and they work for you. Whatever methods you decide to do, don't get discouraged if they don't work right away, just try to stay consistent. I will update you on how this is working in the near future. I'd love to hear your feedback! Feel free to comment with some of the methods that you have tried.
-Yvonne
